I was in a committed relationship with a woman, we thought we were deeply in love and I thought it was forever. One day, I opened my computer to find it on a page that provided answers to questions about sex. I know it was bliss when I was there. With Avie, I found that, even when unintended, these biases revealed themselves in subtle ways. But then I met this boy. This is the lovely state most heteros get to inhabit for their entire existences, god bless them. It was clear that I could not be the person to provide him with answers. Less defensive, more cooperative. We love dogs and are ambivalent about cats okay, we hate cats. When he paused, I took a breath as I prepared to share my story, not knowing how he would react. I prefer to date men in terms of sexual compatibility, but Christ, are women better kissers. People were looking, but I was terribly aware that I was not a freakshow. The process maybe took about two years; I never in that time even considered the option of coming out as bisexual, though. When I recently met a wildly lovely man who has made my heart burst out of my chest with passion and vulnerability and kindness and sincerity and intelligence, I resisted. Queerness to me is healing.
Although I imagined that there would be some challenges, I hoped they would be surmountable. It is beautiful and difficult at the same time. Nothing about me has really changed. I can only imagine that this is something even remotely close to the blissful ignorance I enjoy as a white, first-world, employed, able-bodied cis gendered person. Falling in love with a man is kinda my worst nightmare My guy took this a little personally when I told him that. At the same time, I feared that their lessons and guidance ran counter to our family values. As far as we have come in integrating gay couples and families into our culture, the straight world is full of hidden biases. I was in a committed relationship with a woman, we thought we were deeply in love and I thought it was forever. How do I explain it to people? At 13, Luca was figuring out how to move from boy to man. My dad showed him how to shave at the first glimpse of a facial hair. I wanted him to connect sex with love and be genuinely interested in both, maybe too much to expect from a year-old boy. For eight years, I almost never enjoyed even simple public affection like hand holding, a light touch or gesture from someone I loved when the moment might have called for it. Way easier to fall in love. I am not sure how to shake it off yet. Less defensive, more cooperative. He still winced when he learned that the kids and I were going to the gay pride parade. They reinforced a bias that began to feel like an agenda. I could get laid without fear of catching that big, scary, incurable STI: I appreciated their efforts. When my relationship did end I am sure you saw that coming! It was clear that I could not be the person to provide him with answers. What was the point in telling people I was also attracted to men if I had only the intention of living in a lesbian relationship for the rest of my life? And yet I still catch myself nervously glancing around when he takes my hand, before I remember that we blend in as a straight-passing couple. I had never once considered what it would be like to walk down the street holding a girl's hand, or coming out to grand-parents or raising a child in a same-sex relationship.
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